Q.1
In relation to cats, dogs are:
Better.
Best.
Cats are the unrelenting spawn of Satan who stare at you with cold eyes and an intent that feels like a bloodlust. If they were bigger they would eat me so no amount of cute will lure me in.
Q.2
When a pacifier is dropped on the floor I:
*
Consider it lost to all time and damaged beyond repair. Like a disgraced American flag it must be destroyed.
Wash it and give it back.
Give it back immediately. MIT checked out the five second rule so Im not worried. It is good for the immune system.
Throw it as far as I can reach because I am not picking that damn thing up again ever. You knew what would happen and you dropped it anyway so you need to learn to live with your decisions....I'm sorry. Okay but this is the last time.
Start an epic argument with my spouse in front of friends because my significant other is sooooo wrong.
Q.3
When I tell my child "maybe" I really mean:
I'm busy and can't think about that right now.
No.
You have been asking me this question for an hour with a blank stare. I could answer “Beetlejuice” and you would look at me and ask the same thing again. Why are “yes” and “maybe” the only answers that have a remote chance of sticking to your brain?
Q.4
My child is probably crying right now because:
They want something they didn't get.
They got something they didn't want.
Who hears crying? Is someone crying? Why are you yelling I me? I honestly didn’t hear the crying. What kind of cold hearted bastard do you think I am? If I had heard the crying I would have done something but honestly they cry so much I would be more worried about silence or friendly laughter. Geez. What do you want for dinner? I don’t care, whatever you want.
Q.5
How often should children get a bath?
Daily
Every couple of days
Weekly
My kid poops themselves so often that I consider wipes a bath because what else am I worried about getting funky. Everyone knows kids smell like cocoa butter anyway.
Yes children should definitely get a bath sometime and I feel like we just did baths last night but now that I think about it that might have been the night before because we went to that dinner thing last night. Wait that thing was the night before… Okay I need the calendar. Oh crap. Our kids need a bath.
Q.6
Who wants to help Daddy clean the living room?
Not me.
Not me either.
Q.7
Who wants ICECREAM!
MEEEEEEEE!
What kind of icecream? I don’t like chocolate but I want sprinkles and last time she got two and I got one so can I get two this time and maybe you can punch her in the leg to make it even? If not I don’t want to go.
Q.8
My child's self determined purpose in life is:
to prevent additional children from being born.
to find out what size, shape, material, and quantity of everything can be shoved in the mouth and potentially swallowed.
Provide quality control testing of their own bodies for wear and tear resistance and the ability to fly with zero reason to think it is even possible or reasonable.
This is a unique category so feel free to share.
Q.9
9.How many things in your house were purchased with good intention of learning or teaching responsibility? (Examples – flash cards, pets, blocks, puzzles, dvd’s, butterfly gardens, etc.):
None, I am too smart to think that my kids will ever want to do anything productive. I just bubble wrap corners, heat pre-cooked meals and hope for the best.
All of it. What was I thinking? They really deep down don’t care. We are talking “cat” levels of apathy for all of my good intentions.
Five to ten and they were wildly successful. My five year old has a full scholarship from MIT and is currently reviewing theses (plural for thesis) of applicants to a local physics graduate degree program.
If you chose "five to ten" then please comment below with your address and a list of your fears.
Q.10
Do you have a favorite child?
Yes
No
I want to answer yes but I love my children the same so I feel like a jerk saying that one is more favorite than the other but one of them really wears on me and is so much like me or my spouse that I want to scream into a pillow or kick baby birds. But yes. I have a favorite.
What makes them your favorite?